A Seed Was Planted

I just transferred back to mids, or graveyard or overnight or whatever you call it.  I enjoy mids.  Of course, the calls you get aren't the "petty" ones like my kid won't listen to me, or a customer is yelling at me, or someone just dented my car when they parked and now they're inside the doctor's office, or any other mediocre type call.  Generally,  I can't stand them...people almost never try and work out their own problems first.  They call us right out of the gate.  On mids, though, it's almost always "the shit hit the fan" calls.  And you can get there quick.  And you don't have to deal with admin...yada, yada.

But it can be dead as hell sometimes.  And that can be a good thing.  The quiet allows me to find some peace, however brief most times, in the up-and-down, chaotic world of public safety.  During that solace, I can return to calm and allow, not only my body, but, more importantly, my mind the chance to rest.  I close my eyes.  Not to sleep, but to see those white capped mountains I go to when I'm in yoga.  To imagine the sunlight raining down and nourishing me.

Of course...If you have some fucked up things going on in your life, like me, then, well, dead as hell midnight shifts can sometimes suck.  Naturally, on this particular night, not too long ago, it did.  My mind was racing.  Again.  More intrusive thoughts, more wild imagination,  more feeling super shitty about my life.  And so, I got to thinking...I'm a police officer, right?  My job involves potential serious danger, life-and-death decisions, and regular interactions with shitbirds, right?  And there are significant benefits, from my employer, from the state, from the feds, from the FOP, and from others, that would be bestowed upon my beneficiaries upon my death if it were to occur while in the performance of my duties, right?  This bullshit with my wife and all the past, accumulated trauma, and depression hurts like a bitch, right?  And my interactions with her only bring her and me seemingly endless heartache and misery, right?

And then there it was.  That seed was planted in my itty bitty brain...if I were to suffer a line of duty death, problem fucking solved.  Right?  I mean, she gets a nice chunk of change to pay off the house and other debt, set aside some for our daughter's education, and probably even have a little left to play with all while the pain and bullshit - for everyone - goes away.  Now, there was no way in hell I would ever jeopardize another officer and I wouldn't alter my officer safety tactics.  But, you know, if it happened, well, it happened.  So, I got to thinking...is that any different than committing suicide outright?  I don't know.  I never had any of these thoughts before.  My life had never been in such despair. 

I chewed on that hard for the rest of the shift.  And the thought, however faint now, has been quietly buried in the back of my mind ever since.  But it's there.  Planted.  I don't think it'll necessarily ever go away, but I'm confident I'll plow over it and plant something else in its place.  Something fruitful.  I have no intentions of giving up the fight.  I am a warrior.  And my daughter needs me as I need her.  This illness that has invaded me will not prevail.  I will triumph.

But I know, it's still there.  Like the princess and that damn pea in the mattress...I can feel it still.  Buried. 

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here? 
So if you're asking me I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done...

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done...

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well...

"Leave Out All the Rest"      ~ Linkin Park