Faith: Hanging On By a Thread

Faith.  My iMac dictionary defines it as the complete trust in someone or something as well as the strong belief in God based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.  Those two meanings are perplexing to me.

When I'm driving down a two lane road with my daughter in the car and there's an oncoming vehicle, I've got to have faith in that driver.  Faith that he will maintain his speed, stay in his lane and that he will forgo whatever impulse he has to text or talk on the phone, to search for a song on his iPod or whatever other possible distraction that could arise that would have him deviate from safely passing me in the spit second it takes to do so.  That is complete, unadulterated, trust in that driver.  Period.  If I didn't have it, I wouldn't drive.

Now take the second definition; the strong belief in God regardless of proof that He exists.  In general monotheistic terms, God is omni-everything...powerful, knowing, present and goodness.  God is good.  At least, that's the basic idea.  We have this understanding that God exists and set up some rules for us to live by.  People will, obviously, differ amongst sects as to the interpretation of the Bible and its literal or general meanings.  However, that's not the road I'm going down.  I want to keep it general.  I'm not up for a theological debate.  So, we'll just say that the Bible and God provide us with guidance on how to treat one another.  Its not rocket surgery...don't kill, don't steal, respect one another, forgive, yada, yada.  That's it in a nutshell, of course, but basically its common sense stuff on how to behave humanely and civilly towards other human beings.

Back to the oncoming car and the driver.  Do I need to have faith that he believes in these doctrines of God?...that he's not going to kill me and my child as we approach each other, head on?  I guess maybe I do.  I don't know.  Its not something I've thought about as I'm driving down that two lane road heading to my parent's house or going to the park for a play date or wherever.  But I probably should.

So, here's my issue...what if my faith in God is hanging on by a thread because of the horrifying actions of people, like maybe that driver?  How the hell do I come to grips with that?  I am losing faith in God because of the sickening deeds of Man, yet I have to believe that the individual driving the approaching vehicle hopefully has faith in God's creeds so I don't die.  What?  How does that work?  I have no fucking clue.

As I have talked openly about my own personal battles with posttraumatic stress and depression and how they played out with me and the ones closest to me, friends and coworkers have confided in me that many experience a real struggle with their Faith.  We see the most vile acts of one man against another, many times for no apparent reason whatsoever...just for the shit of it.  This country is Christian based.  Christianity is a monotheistic religion, so God is that omni-everything that I mentioned earlier.  Many of the shitbirds that I and my comrades deal with on a regular basis presumably hang their beliefs on Christianity.  So, if by deductive reasoning, these culprits are Christians, it shouldn't surprise anyone that many police officers wrestle with holding onto their faith in God.  If God exists and these people are Christians, why the fuck would one or a group of them randomly walk up behind a fellow human being and beat the dogshit out of them for, what, maybe a couple of bucks and an iPhone?  How is that following His doctrine on how to act with one another?  Shit...what does Mark 12:31 say, "Love your neighbor as yourself..."?  That is said to be the second greatest "commandment" of all.

So, I struggle.  I struggle to see how there is God when I bare witness to all the shocking and deplorable acts committed by His, presumably self proclaimed, followers.  Like this "Black Lives Matters" tag line...Sure they do.  As do white ones, Hispanic ones, Asian ones, and on and on.  But you'll see many, including preachers, pastors, and the like, in news clips and online videos chanting this mantra while desecrating and destroying the lives and livelihoods of their fellow human beings.  How is that Godly?  Of course its not.  And, of course, there's the argument that those people aren't "true" Christians, yada, yada.  I get that.  But when interactions and images like that are pounded into your psyche almost everyday of almost every week of almost every month of almost every year for 20 whatever years, that shit starts to stick and take hold and burrow its way into your soul, taking hostage of your righteous belief system.

I know, I know, the latter part of that second definition states "rather than proof" and therein lies the meaning of Faith.  Again, I get it.  But, like most police officers, I'm more or less a black and white kinda guy, so the concept of Faith is already, on its own, a struggle to preserve.  Throw in that other shit...and you can see why its unraveling within me.  Maybe that's why I tear up when I read, watch, or hear about stories of people simply helping people.  They're my last vestiges of faith...in humanity.