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For anyone who has suffered an unexpected and intense loss, your world immediately gets caught in a free fall. I know. That's what happened to mine when she told me she wanted out. As I've been told and have learned since, the end of a marriage is a loss. Your mind can react as if it was the loss of a loved one. My mind was out of control. I couldn't shut off, or even slow down, the racing thoughts screaming through my head. Sleep was nearly impossible. I immediately took off a week of work to simply gather myself.
So, for those struggling to find their center, quiet the noise, stop the free fall, or however else you want to describe your desperate desire to pass through the storm, here's what I did and its worked pretty well...
- Professional help. Yeah, it super sucks that you have to admit that you can't handle every major league crisis that presents itself in your life by yourself. But guess what? You can't. And that's OK. I've been a law enforcement officer for 21+ years and for me to seek out assistance was a big blow to my ego. But it was the best decision I made throughout it all. Mental health professionals are just that, professionals. Helping people through rough waters in their lives and helping them self-evaluate is what they do. People call the police to report a burglary because we're the experts. They don't call an electrician. Admittedly, my first therapist was good at listening and that was about it. I needed more than that...my friends can listen and they're free. I needed a no-bullshit assessment of me and my life. But more importantly, I needed tools that I could take with me from my therapy sessions to utilize when something else came along down the road...because, inevitably, something would. After my first one bombed, with some help from my support (next one on the list), I was able to find a kick ass therapist.
- Support crew. Say what you want about Facebook, but it was a saving grace for me. Because I wasn't finding solace with my first therapist and I was still trying to keep my head above water, I joined a couple of groups (open and closed) on Facebook, Police Survivors of PTSD, Damaged on Duty, Code 9 - Officer Needs Assistance, Surviving the Shield, and Serve & Protect to name a few. People who like these pages and are active participants in the groups' discussions have been through their own trauma and depression. They, too, are police officers or other first responders such as paramedics, firefighters, etc. Joining in the conversation and realizing that you are not alone in your struggles is enormous. My first open, public remarks about my own problems and my collapsing marriage were made on Code 9. It was a gamble, but it sure did pay off. Hundreds, literally hundreds, of people...complete strangers, but brothers and sisters in arms nonetheless...commented, supported, and shared. It may seem morbid, but it was refreshing to see that I wasn't the only one battling demons. It was therapeutic.
- Roots revisited. Without a doubt, over the years, I drifted from those activities and places that made me who I was...backpacking, hiking, soccer, photography, and more. I slipped into this mind numbing routine of finding an excuse to not get my ass up and moving to do those things I enjoyed, whether it was by myself or with someone special. So, they fell by the wayside. Get back to what made you whole. I began playing soccer again in a local indoor league and I returned to the outdoors. We've all heard it...exercise helps reduce stress. For me, perhaps more importantly, the activities occupied my time. I wasn't just sitting on my ass in my apartment staring at four bare walls feeling sorry for myself. I knew I had to pull myself up from the proverbial boot straps and get moving. So, I did.
- Do more. And along with getting back to my roots, I decided that there was no better time than to try and do some activities I've always thought about doing. I began swimming. I always enjoyed swimming and, when I was a kid, my siblings and I were on the local pool's swim team. But that was 30+ years ago. And I also tried Bikram hot yoga. Now, my brother swears by it and say what you want about yoga, but until you try the hot yoga, you don't know jack shit. That first session kicked my ass...probably the most exhausting workout I've ever had. Admittedly, I was just a tad underprepared...I didn't hydrate. So, 75 minutes into the 90 minute session, I began to cramp up. Bad. My hands and toes curled up and my mouth began to pucker so much that I couldn't talk. I had to crawl out of the room and into the hall where they gave me a drink powder mix that had electrolytes. Within minutes, I was OK, but the experience had forever burned a memory into my brain...drink lots of water before yoga. I went back the next day for my second season. I loved it. And then I also signed up for my first triathlon. Yup. At 44 years old with zero experience or exposure to such an event, I jumped right into what many in the tri-state triathlon circuit (apparently) consider one of the most difficult courses. Fun. Although my goal was to simply finish the tri, I seriously thought I was going to drown within the first hundred yards. But I gained my composure and, sure enough, proudly finished my first triathlon ever. I signed up to do five this year.
- Quiet time. We all need it. I know I did, but I never really set aside time to have it...peace and quiet. I certainly wasn't going to find it at work and when I came home, although I just wanted to "veg out" and do jack shit, I sometimes felt guilty about not playing with my daughter. But we all need that time to ourselves to recharge. So, one of the very first things I did was sign up for gentle yoga (the exact opposite of hot yoga). The first time I ever went to a yoga class, my wife had taken us. I hated it. I was the only guy and I didn't know "downward dog" from "doggy style". I was intimidated by my very amateur level compared to all the women in the class, including my wife. And for a cop, that's a horrible combination. But I signed up for my first class during my free fall because I knew of the benefits that yoga can offer. And when I arrived for that initial session, I was 15 minutes early and there before the instructor. There was no way I wanted to miss it. Since then, its been my anchor. Its that one block of time during my week that I know, for sure, I'll have calm and peace. That simple 90 minutes allows me to refocus on myself and my healing. Its a cleansing.
- Open up. Easily, however, the most critical aspect of my game plan was to open up about what was going on with me. Although I've had serious traumatic events throughout my 21+ law enforcement career, the significant one took place in August 2001. It wasn't until May 2014, after my wife told me she wanted a divorce and I was now sitting on a couch in my psychotherapy nurse's office that everything became so much clearer. She's asking me questions, screening me, in an attempt to find out what's up with me. At the end of her inquiries, I pause for a moment or two, anticipating her conclusion, but I got nothing. I couldn't take it. I needed to know. So, I said, "OK. What does that mean? What do I have? What's going on with me?" She told me I had posttraumatic stress disorder and depression. Holy shit, I thought. What a relief...I now finally knew what had been going on with me all of these years. I was seriously almost overjoyed. Now knowing what was going on gave me the knowledge to then begin my healing. For almost 13 years, the demons had been beating me down and my loved ones along with me, but no longer...it was my time to fight back.
